Cinema Hype

You know how elephants in Africa have a special elephant graveyard where they all migrate at the end of their lives, so they can die in peace? I’ve decided that DVDs have a similar system, only their inner sense doesn’t direct them to Africa to find eternal fulfillment. Instead, they go to the drugstore DVD aisle.

I was temporarily stranded at Long’s yesterday and found myself browsing in the cardboard box that is their DVD section. The selection, I must say, was an embarrassment of riches for the bad-movie enthusiast. They seemed to specialize in utterly obscure movies starring very famous people, of either the “Before They Were Stars!” or the “they’re already a star, but we’re going to sweep this particular phase under the rug” variety. A few diamonds in the rough:

Best Men (1997): Action/comedy starring Drew Barrymore, Dean Cain, Luke Wilson, and–I kid you not–Andy Dick. With a gun. There appears to be crime and a wedding, though I’m not sure to whom. Clearly a winner.

My Stepmother is an Alien (1988): It should be noted that this was the the first PG-13 movie I ever saw, and it disturbed me greatly. There was sex; I remember being appalled, and that’s about it. Turns out, though, that this one stars not only Dan Aykroyd and Kim Basinger, but a very young Alyson Hannigan and Seth Green (who will always be Scott Evil, no matter how old he is). I didn’t know who any of those people were at the time, but now…wow. Nice one, guys.

Breaking Up (1997): This is another winner that’s full of famous people, namely Salma Hayek and Russell Crowe, pre-Oscar (though the box tried to convince us that the words “Oscar” and “Breaking Up” have been used in the same sentence before, which…fat chance). Judging from the cover, this one’s a real mood-booster, too.

Father and Scout (1994): I never know what to think about Bob Saget. The thought of him telling the dirtiest joke in the world is immeasurably off-putting to me, but really, is it any creepier than his role on “Full House”? I’m not sure. The fact that he does both is probably what gets me. Anyway, I wouldn’t want to be stuck with him in the woods, which is what happens to poor Brian Bonsall in this movie. It’s probably what landed him in the Girls’ Bike Club, poor guy. It totally wasn’t his fault.

And last, but definitely, definitely not least:

Live By the Fist (1993): This one kind of speaks for itself. “A wrongly imprisoned man must kick-box his way through corrupt wardens, deadly inmates, and other perils of life in the slammer.” There’s nothing I could say to supplement this properly, so I’m just going to keep my mouth shut and let you all enjoy it in its pure form.