The facts of life with Michael Cera
Have a seat, son.
Do you know why I want to talk to you today?
Yes, I thought so. You see, son, your body is changing, and I’m sure this must be a very confusing time for you. But I want you to be clear about one thing: this is puberty, and you cannot stay here forever.
You’re 21 now. You can drink alcohol if you want; more to the point, you can play characters who can drink alcohol, and we dearly wish you would. You can stop trying to get that cute junior girl to make out with you in some kid’s bedroom while his parents are out of town. What are you doing at a high-school party in the first place? What I’m saying is, I know you have to revert back to being George Michael Bluth next year—and far be it from us to stand in the way of one last sweet moment with the Bluths—but really, you’ve got to stop playing George Michael, aka Paulie Bleeker, aka Evan, the sweetest goody ever to wear two shoes. You’ve got to move on.
The other thing, son, is that you’re not just an actor anymore. You’re a writer, and you’re not working in obscurity like the rest of us. The pieces you write actually make it to the studio, and then they get made, and not by people you recruited at some friend’s party. I think when you’re writing shorts for David Cross and Patton Oswalt and having them actually show up to be in your movie, you have officially passed the point when you can pretend to be the world’s tallest and wealthiest tenth-grader. Do it for us, Michael. Do it for the people who want to be where you are. Be an adult.
Are you afraid, son? Do you think the shine will wear off once you admit that you do, in fact, shave? We have faith in you. We think you can do it. We think you are smart enough and talented enough to become a man, even if it means a few nebbishy parts in overmarketed Judd Apatow movies. All you have to do is stop making movies like Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist—which may in fact be a fine movie, but that’s beside the point—and start exploring new avenues. We want the best for you; we just think you could do a little more.
It’s the facts of life.
Any questions?
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