Cinema Hype

The makers of a French film on the famous German Shepherd Rin Tin Tin probably expected their subject’s fans to take up the cause with enthusiasm. They probably didn’t expect a lawsuit, but that’s exactly what they got. Daphne Hereford of Pearland, Texas, has sued First Look Studios for copyright infringement—for not using her dogs in the film. Hereford breeds descendants of the original Rin Tin Tin, and says that the film’s use of other German Shepherds—”just regular dogs”—is confusing to the public and an insult to the very name of Rin Tin Tin.

I think we can all learn a lesson from Hereford. When Cinema Hype: The Story of Liz hits the greenlight phase, for example, I ask that only my own relatives appear in roles meant to portray me and my family. Actors or not, round them up and stick them on film: that way, the public can get an accurate understanding of the pointiness of my nose, the stubbiness of my fingers, and the flatness of my butt. Those without my own blood rushing through their veins would just be regular people, and regular people just won’t do.

Also, under no circumstances is CH:TSoL to be fabricated in any way. Anything less than complete faithfulness to my life story is misleading as to my actual character, and therefore unacceptable. I am not to be made wittier, better at math, or a quieter sneezer. Seven-minute mile? Try twelve, and you’re going to SIT THERE AND WATCH IT.

On the other hand, complete journalistic accuracy must portray the above-average nature of my personal integrity, courage, and skill in a variety of life situations. Do not, under any circumstances, neglect to include the time I cartwheeled through freeway traffic to save a sweet fuzzy kitten from mortal danger. Likewise the time I caught the bouquet at my friend’s wedding—wrestled from a very aggressive flower girl, I might add—and danced around the world, sprinkling petals and sunshine and light among all the world’s poor. Anything less than complete recognition of my deeds besmirches the CH name, and if you think I won’t take you to court to defend my good nature and spotless character, THINK AGAIN.

[Rin Tin Tin, Finding Rin Tin Tin, French Rin Tin Tin, Daphne Hereford, Rin Tin Tin lawsuit, First Look[/tags]