Cinema Hype

It’s been awhile since we at CHHQ have made a trip to the ol’ proprietary DVD shelf, but we suppose that every now and again it’s good to honor what we have. The problem with honoring Sixteen Candles is that honestly, there’s not that much to say. What is unique and outstanding about an 80s John Hughes movie starring Molly Ringwald, exactly? What are the themes? Where are the narrative choices? How is this film unique? Not in many places, really.

But wait. There are some outstanding moments here. It turns out that Sixteen Candles is pretty run-of-the-mill in terms of Ringwald and All-American Team Hottie Michael Schoeffling as Jake Ryan (been there, done that, literally have the t-shirt; ask my mother). But they’re not the end of the story. This movie is packed with strange and fascinating side characters, from the nerds upon whom Hughes built his legacy to the female uber-athlete who just wants a date. It’s in this spirit that CH presents the All-Time Top Five Characters List, Sixteen Candles edition.

1. Long Duk Dong: How Hughes got away with such a blatantly racist portrayal of an Asian exchange student is unclear, but the Donger is probably the most memorable character in the whole movie. The urge to shout “Automobiiiiiiiiiile?!” at random moments is nearly irresistible. I’m sorry. But it’s funny.

2. The Nerd/”Farmer Ted”: The brilliance of Farmer Ted is clearly a casting victory–the high-school nerd is nothing new to the 80s teen comedy, but Anthony Michael Hall is so boundlessly energetic and so totally enthusiastic that it’s impossible not to love him. Alas, the role haunted him long into adulthood, and forced him to get really buffed out before anybody could forget him trying to sniff Ringwald’s neck.

3. Bryce and Cliff (John Cusack and Darren Harris): Farmer Ted’s minions are perfect in small doses and always appear together, sealing their identity as a single character. They taught the world that the only thing better than an extraterrestrial is a female extraterrestrial, and that wearing head lamps in public is cool. Also, we hear one of them’s kind of famous now, but whatever.

4. The grandparents: Covering both ends of the senior-citizen spectrum (“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” to Dick Clark), Sam’s grandnparents are simultaneously awful and awesome, unable to deal with anybody, including one another. “Oh, Frank. She’s gotten her boobies! And they are so perky!” Priceless.

5. Back-Brace Girl: For having landed a role with no lines and no importance to the story at all, Joan Cusack seems to have done all right for herself. Back-Brace Girl appears throughout the movie, navigating life in a depressingly solitary but matter-of-fact way, and then wiping her mouth with the lace skirt sewn to her sweatshirt. Again: not super-sensitive, but still funny. And hey, she (ostensibly) lost the brace and grew up to be a major movie star, so she wins in the end, no?

Sixteen Candles, Molly Ringwald, Jake Ryan, John Cusack, 80’s movies