Cinema Hype

I just finished watching In Her Shoes, which I’d requisitioned from Netflix after finishing the book over New Year’s in the desert. Most of my deep thoughts on this movie fall somewhere in the “where can I get a wedding dress like that?” range, but there is one really very serious thing I’d like to talk about:

In what kind of universe is Mark Feuerstein not worthy of being a girl’s first choice?

I get that Simon Stein is a winner in the end, and that we’re supposed to believe that Rose is just too wrapped up in her own misery to notice. But do you look at this guy:

and think “Wow, he’s not really cute enough to get a date”? I just don’t think that’s a universe in which I can exist.

Mark Feuerstein, In Her Shoes, Toni Colette, Jennifer Weiner

For our next trick, the
entire cast will cover their
heads with panty hose.

This whole situation is getting a little alarming, isn’t it? The Information Super-Highway has failed us again! Come on, Al Gore! Is this what you wanted for us?! (Note: For big fun, click on that link and see what a scrawny young pup Al used to be. It’s like his high-school yearbook picture, or something. “Most Likely to Bore People Out of the Young Environmentalists’ Club.” Poor Al.)

It seems that Angelina Jolie will be CGI in Beowulf. Here’s the catch, though: she’ll be CGI…as herself. And so will everyone else. Robert Zemeckis is using his new toy, performance-capture animation, to make perfectly normal-looking people into soulless animated onscreen droids. It’s not so much the process that’s problematic here as it is the product: if you’ve seen the creepy humans in The Polar Express, you know what I mean.

Maybe it’s all intentional. Maybe Zemeckis is taking a beautiful cast and using technology to render everyone totally unnerving on purpose. It’s a statement, see? Technology makes us flat and weird, and not really like people at all! We are Scandinavian monsters, people, ravaging the tiny villages of Web 2.0! And it’s all the programmers’ fault.

At least, that’s what I’m going to believe until Zemeckis a) says otherwise, or b) gets bored and finds a new technology with which to freak us all out. Arthroscopic animation, anyone?

Beowulf, Beowulf movie, motion-capture animation, Angelina Jolie, Robert Zemeckis

We interrupt your regularly scheduled movie-review programming to bring a special Curmudgeonly Theatre-Goer’s Report. For the record:

- Just because a movie is animated does not mean your child will sit still to watch it.

- If a movie is not animated and/or specifically aimed at your child’s age group, the likelihood of your child not driving an entire theater of people to drink goes down by 50 percent.

- Children have eyes and ears. They may not understand what’s going on, but they’re still watching.

- If your child doesn’t understand what’s going on, he or she will ask, and it’s not going to be via telepathy.

- The fact that your child is speaking a language other than English does not mean we cannot hear him or her.

- The fact that you are not shushing your child does not go unnoticed. At least look like you are making an effort, or we will make an effort for you. Any dirty looks you receive are on your own head.

- You had to buy your child a ticket to see this movie. Surely two hours of babysitting isn’t much more expensive?

- Some movie theaters offer showings specifically for people with small children. This is a good investment of your time and money. Trust us. Come back in ten years, and we’ll talk.

And now back to your regular film-review program. Thank you for your time.

If you’ve ever used the words “Whatever I feel like doing! GOSH!” or wanted to throttle someone (or multiple someones) who’ve done the same, you might want to go check out The Ten Most Obnoxiously Overquoted Movies. Now, the blogger in question might be a tad obnoxious himself (and you know he loved “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries”), but…he’s not wrong. There are only so many iterations of “Yeah, baby!” that are acceptable in the world, and I’m pretty sure Mike Myers used them all up.

But isn’t it a relief to see what isn’t on that list? How Star Wars is, apparently, still fair game, despite being one of the most-quoted, most-ripped-off movies of all time? How it’s pretty much always okay to compare a situation to a scene from The Godfather, even if you’re misquoting it, just like everyone else? I think we can all feel better now. After all, where would I be without When Harry Met Sally and “You’re right, you’re right, I know you’re right”? Did Nora Ephron know that he was writing the most quotable film of all time? (Answer: Of course she did.) What about You’ve Got Mail, which is definitely in the sleeper-quotation category: it’s a film that is ridiculously, endlessly quotable, only I can never place the quotations until after I’ve used them. What about Notting Hill? And I’m not talking about Spike; I’m talking about, “They’re prescription, so I can see all the fishes properly.” You have no idea how often that quotation comes in handy. Don’t even get me started on, “It’s not Jane Austen; it’s not Henry James; but it’s…uh…gripping.” What about Twister, for heaven’s sake?

All I’m saying is that movie quotation can obviously get out of hand–nothing ruins a movie like careless imitation–but that a well-used movie quotation is nearly always appropriate, and that if we’re only staying away from ten movies, I call that a win. Find something good and use it well, my friends.

Oh, the trials of a lowly Mac-using blogger. It’s a hard row to how, having a laptop that’s just plain cuter and easier and less virus-prone than everybody else. Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen. Nobody knows my sorrow!

The situation is this: Netflix, in its interminable campaign to be voted Miss Congeniality, has e-mailed to inform me that my monthly rate has gone down. This is a good thing. There is no trouble or sorrow for me in the reduction of my Netflix bill. They also, with a bat of the eyelashes and a good old yawn-and-stretch, told me that I am now eligible to receive 14 hours of TV or film programming directly on my computer, beamed from outer space, or Hollywood, or wherever. No trouble or sorrow there, either. Fourteen hours is a lot of time on top of my regular two-at-a-time, and think of the increased watching opportunities without the two-day turnaround. Victory, right? It’s like Christmas in July! Except that Netflix has failed to accomodate Mac users into the deal. We’re just too hip for them to handle.

It’s terrible, really. It’s like an older sibling pretending to invite his impressionable little sister into his room to play, and then slamming the door in her face (not that that ever happened to me, mind you)–”Come on! Let’s watch some movies together instantly! Sure, we can watch Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken! Whatever you want!”….SLAM. We’re left alone with our magnetic cords and our two-day turnaround time.

One hopes that Netflix is working on this, that they’re eager to address the needs of Cult of the White Earbuds. Because it’s not like Mac users are uncommon, and it’s not like they don’t have any money, and it’s not like they wouldn’t like movies sent straight to their computers or DVRs. Because I’m guessing that somebody else will figure it out eventually, and Mac folks are likely to be more attached to their computers than to their movie rental services.

Netflix, Mac, streamed movies, whining

So, Liam Neeson
emancipates the slaves and
wears a high silk hat?

I was going to write about the state of the modern biopic–or biographical picture, as we fuddy-duddies prefer–and how they’re really playgrounds for art and casting directors. I had a whole thesis, points, rebuttals, etc. But I saw a list of upcoming biography films, and couldn’t go on. Seriously. Take a look at this:

-The aforementioned Neeson as Abraham Lincoln (Weird, yes, but the resemblance is actually sort of uncanny, if you squint a bit)
-Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen (not to be all fuddiduddical again, but COME ON)
-Elijah Wood as Iggy Pop
-Some kind of Jeff Buckley movie, currently uncast
-And don’t even get me started on the whole weird J-Lo/Marc Anthony vanity project deal. Ugh.

I can, however, get thoroughly behind Zooey Deschanel as Janis Joplin. Girlfriend can sing. I nod approvingly in her direction.

Maybe I’ll get back to that thesis, with the points and the rebuttals, sometime. For now, I’m just going to go think fond memories of The Queen.

biopics, Liam Neeson, Abraham Lincoln, Zooey Deschanel, Janis Joplin, Anne Hathaway, Jane Austen

To: Spiderman, Harry Potter, and all other heroes with “it can only be me me me” complexes

From: Women

Gentlemen, we know it’s a hard life, being a savior, and all. Great perks; really bad job stability. We know that your greatest gifts are also your biggest curses. Trust us; we know. With great power comes great responsibizzzzzzzzz.

So will you stop breaking up with us, already? You say you have enemies; don’t we all? Granted, our enemies are unlikely to lie, cheat, steal, kidnap, and murder, but…we’re not immune to the snotty girl at work, if you know what we mean. You say it’s going to be hard, and you really can’t have us around to complicate things. Well, thanks for that. Glad to see we mean so much to you that you simply CANNOT have us around. It’s been nice knowing you, you know? And thank you SO much for the respect you show us by allowing us to make our own decisions. That’s really, really nice.

So get over yourselves, and make sure to be home by dinnertime, okay?

Thanks.