Cinema Hype

Dear Mr. President,

Welcome to the White House. I’m sure you know that it’s been a rough decade for many of us, i.e. “human beings,” and we sure would like to see you succeed in your new endeavor. It’s a difficult, crazy job; that much is clear. And so, while you surely have people to advise you on all kinds of matters, we at Cinema Hype would like to offer a few pieces of advice that you probably aren’t getting from the likes of Rahm Emanuel and company:

- If you hire a body double, make sure he doesn’t go all rogue and start messing with your policies. This works better if you can stay out of a coma, and also if you are not a huge, huge jerk.

- The next time you’re cruising along and Air Force One is hijacked by Russian bad guys, all you have to do is 1) open the door of the jet, 2) punch one of them in the face (this is very important; make sure it’s a good, hard, Presidential hit), and 3) growl, “GET OFF MY PLANE.” Works every time. Just ask the Secret Service, since it’s not like they have a plan for this kind of thing anyway.

- On the off chance that you start dating while in office (not that we condone that kind of behavior; also, we can think of at least one terrific/terrifying woman who might object), you might think about choosing someone OUTSIDE the Beltway, and preferably somebody who doesn’t go against everything you stand for. Also, the public first dance is a minefield—but nobody said being the Commander-in-Chief was easy. (Also, this works best if you let Aaron Sorkin write everything. Sorkin for cabinet? Secretary of Public Dialogue? Just a thought.)

- When you are trying to explain to Russia (again with the Russians; maybe Palin wasn’t such a terrible choice, what with her being just a hop, skip, and a jump away) about why we just attacked them, make sure you practice first, to avoid unnecessary sorry-we-just-bombed-you awkwardness.

- On second thought, never get involved in a land war in Asia!

And one more thing: in the event of an attack on Earth by extraterrestrials, my greatest hope is that you will deliver a speech even better—can it be?—than this one:

If Bill “Remember the Time I Was in Newsies?” Pullman can do it, so can you. I have faith.

Go get ‘em, Mr. President.

Sincerely,

A constituent

Dear Wes Anderson,

How is it that you got to be so cool and so talented? I mean, some people make good movies but don’t know a Pony from a Puma. And some people have awesome western shirts and aviator glasses, but their movies are boring and don’t have Bill Murray in them. And some of them don’t even make movies at all, which makes them losers. Anyway, how did it happen? Did some crazy-hip Talent Fairy crash your christening and knock over the old-lady fairies in the matching dresses? Did you drink from the well of Talent Milk and Cool Honey?

I can’t wait to see your new movie The Darjeeling Limited. Me and my friends bought our tickets as soon as the theater downtown had them. You should have heard the guy at the theater, all, “The Darjeeling what? I’ve never heard of it.” So of course we had to tell him all about it. Maybe you should give us some of the money you make for spreading the word about your movie, LOL. Anyway, we have our tickets but we’re going to be there really early anyway. I’m going to wear my Jason Schwartzman Rules t-shirt that I made with one of those iron-on decals and a picture I printed off IMDB. Did I tell you that I really love Jason Schwartzman? Because I do. He’s so TRUE, you know? He reminds me of, like, every guy I know, only more so. I think you’re such a genius for casting him in all your movies except The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. Which, by the way, I thought was a great movie. You’re such a great team. Maybe you make each other cooler and more talented, you know? It’s like a symbiotic relationship, or something.

Anyway. I hope TDL does really, really well in the theater, and if you want to send me some of that cash, go ahead! Just text me, I swear. LOL!

You’re my hero,

A Fan

Wes Anderson, The Darjeeling Limited, Bill Murray, Justin Schwartzman