Cinema Hype

Send that envelope
back whence it came; I hope there
are no hard feelings.

I was talking the other day about Theater Guilt, the sense that one has missed out on some major cultural experience by skipping a theatrical release. I’m not much into the T.G. It’s not my style. I do occasionally suffer, however, from a corollary disorder: Netflix Malaise.

I just sent a movie–which will remain nameless to protect the innocent–back to Netflix unwatched. I have no doubt that it would have been a winner; I’ve heard great things all around. But, really, there are limits, no? How long can that red envelope sit unopened on the TV shelf without overstaying its welcome? I eventually decided that I was never going to be in the mood for this particular movie, and that the movie was not, in fact, a slab of liver I’d have to eat before I could leave the dinner table. Also, it was holding up dessert, namely movies I do want to watch. And so I packaged it back up, told it we might meet up again later, and put it in the mail. My replacement should be around tomorrow.

I feel so much better. I just hope the movie’s not upset.

Do I really need
a good reason to love what
The Rock is cooking?

I was trolling the deepest, darkest alleys of the film blog world when I saw a fun casting announcement: Dwayne Johnson, formerly known as The Rock, will appear in the upcoming remake of Escape From Witch Mountain. I should probably have strong feelings about this movie and any ill-conceived remaking that might take place. I know that my family watched it when I was little, and the nostalgia factor for early-1980s kids’ movies is strong in this one. But really? All I saw was, “The Rock will appear in blah blah blah. That’s because–brace yourself–I love The Rock.

I know that Dwayne Johnson makes a lot of bad movies. But. He used to be a professional wrestler! A really famous professional wrestler! His signature move was called “The People’s Elbow,” because nobody’s a populist like a scripted wrestler’s a populist. He was named after a geologic feature, and he spoke in the third person. (Confession: I nearly did an English thesis on the rhetoric of the WWF. Who doesn’t love wrestling speeches? I could go on and on.) And, the best part: he spoke at the Republican National Convention in 2000, while still wrestling full time! What is not to love here?

So, no. I cannot promise that I won’t see Escape from Witch Mountain, or The Game Plan, or anything else he does, because…he’s just my favorite well-spoken former wrestler with an inanimate object for a name, okay? You got a problem with that? Know your role! Don’t be a jabroni.

Dwayne Johnson, The Rock, Escape from Witch Mountain, WWF

Oscar and Felix,
meet priest Richard Gere and his
singing “buddy,” Gene.

Do you ever get that feeling where you look at your Netflix queue and wonder whether drunken elves took over your computer and shuffled everything around? We at CHHQ freely admit that our to-see list is fairly narrow: we’re all about the comedies, the romances, the comic romances, and the occasional documentary thrown in just for that extra touch of spice. We like dramas fine; it’s just that we sort of lack the initiative to watch them without someone else prodding us into it. So how is it that I currently have Primal Fear and An American in Paris staring each other down next to the DVD player? These are movies that don’t even speak the same language. They have different turf, and things get strange when they pass on the street. I’m keeping my eyes open for a red-envelope brawl, though I’m pretty sure I know which one’s going to be doing the “When you’re a Jet you’re a Jet” act.

It’s not exactly that I don’t want to watch Primal Fear. I do. My friend Sarah recommended it, and Sarah is my East-coast doppelganger, a person with whom I share a parallel life (if you can ignore the time difference). Sarah knows what I like, because it tends to be what she likes. So I know that, because of Sarah’s good faith and because of Edward Norton, it’s going to be a winner. But who can devote a brilliant summer day, or even a precious long evening, to priests and murder, or whatever it is? Maybe it’s the wrong time of year. I’m just thinking that I’m really more in the mood for Gene Kelly singing, and that I will probably always be more in the mood for Gene Kelly singing than I will for anything Richard Gere, ever. I’ll get there. It’s just going to take a little convincing.

Anyway, I’m going to go. I think I hear snapping.

Naomi Watts to
be Lord Voldemort’s minion?
Coy agents say no.

So, you may have heard it here first, but…you may have heard it here wrong. Or maybe not. It’s….hard to tell. According to MTV Movies, Naomi Watts’s rep denies any involvement with the sixth Harry Potter movie. Of course, although MTV is clearly a fountain of truthful information, not everyone’s buying it, so we may just be dealing with a publicist biding his or her time. The truth remains to be seen. It’s a pity, though; Watts probably would have been fantastic. Or will be. We’ll see.

Naomi Watts, Narcissa Malfoy, rumors, casting rumors, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

It’s not you, John; I’m
there for Janney, Walken,
and Bynes. I like them.

I’m sorry to say it, but I have to go back on an ancient and solemn vow. In my own defense, one never really knows about this kind of thing: at some point in my adolescence, I swore I’d never see another John Travolta movie on purpose. It’s not even the movies I’m avoiding. It’s him.

But what’s a girl to do? Avoid Hairspray, which has an otherwise-excellent cast and is getting stellar reviews? I can’t stay away. So, John, just know that this is a temporary reprieve, and you just thank Ms. Janney for being as awesome as she is.

Why the quick cuts
and bland CGI backdrops?
What are you hiding?

Last night at our 6 p.m. showing of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, we saw a good collection of trailers–a couple of kids’ movies, Vince Vaughn’s over-marketed Christmas project, and the current Hot Trailer, The Golden Compass. I’ve seen the Golden Compass trailer several times now, but I’ve been reluctant to write about it. The truth is, the trailer pretty much leaves me cold, no matter how much I want to like the movie.

Fortunately, I’ve come to the conclusion that the problem may lie in the construction of the trailer, and not in the movie itself.

Remember, a million and a half years ago now, the teaser trailer for Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone? We got a camera panning over suburban London, a few street lights going out, and a cat sitting on the fence. An owl swooped down from the sky to deliver a letter. The address? “Mr. H. Potter, The Cupboard Under the Stairs, 4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey.” That was it, and it was completely effective. Everybody knew what was about to happen.

The Golden Compass trailer takes the opposite tack: it’s a generalized look at the world of the film, with quick cuts of the dirigibles, Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig, witches flying around, and a plucky little girl demanding to go north and fight. We learn that she may be “the child.” Oh, and there are bears. The problem with this trailer is that it assures fans of the novel that all of the key elements will be there, but it doesn’t give anybody much of a sense of the story. It feels like a lack of confidence: if this film is that good, we don’t need to be reassured that there will, in fact, be armored polar bears. Better to set the movie apart as something polished and subtle than to lump it in with all of the other fantasy-adventure movies we see in theaters all the time. Do they not believe in the size and loyalty of Phillip Pullman’s fan base? (If so, I believe they’ll be surprise; the Harry Potter generation had to have something to read in between books.) Something simple, stylish, and mystical would have been a better choice if they want to establish themselves on the level of the Potter films.

I still have high hopes for the movie. After all, two minutes of clips does not a fictional world make.

The Golden Compass, trailers, Harry Potter, Phillip Pullman, Nicole Kidman

Anticlimactic:
Title-less monster movie
becomes Cloverfield?

Want to know how to pique the public’s interest about your movie? Don’t tell them the title. Make a creepy handi-cam trailer a la The Blair Witch Project, get them sucked in, then flash the release date and move on.

That’s what’s happening with the new J.J. Abrams-produced thriller, called–for the moment–Cloverfield. Now, the marketing on this movie isn’t half bad. People in the audience for Transformers, where the trailer aired, literally yelled out, “What’s the title?” Not bad, right?

But if you’re going to do that, why have a working title that sounds like it’s about Ferdinand?

Noir is as noir does;
Owen and Miller try to
out-gritty us all.

What could be cooler than a series of adaptations of Raymond Chandler’s classic detective novels, starring Clive Owen? How about a series of adaptatios of Raymond Chandler’s classic detective novels, starring Clive Owen and directed by Frank Miller, minor deity of all things noir?

This….could be good.

How many flicks can
a chick critic pick if a
critic picks chick flicks?

True story: I was thinking this evening how nice it might be to curl up with Pride and Prejudice* for awhile before bed, but also how perhaps watching the same movie over and over is actually kind of weird (unless you’re under the age of seven and want to watch The Karate Kid every day after school, like my best friend). And then I thought, “Well, you could always watch the other version.”

Yes. I have more than one version of Pride and Prejudice in the house. You want to make something of it?

*CH staff will be taking a week’s vacation in England later this month; one imagines the British fixation might fade with time, but until then….it’s all about the Shires. Consider yourself warned.

Learn writers’ tips and
tricks when Jeff Goldsmith says, “That’s
how it all went down.”

There are two kinds of DVD watchers in this world: those that watch the movie, and those that watch the movie and everything else. Movie watchers like to see a good story play out on the screen. Movie-and-everything-else watchers like to see a good story play out on the screen, and then they want to know how it happened. They want to know why it happened. They want to know about costume issues, arguments with the studio, funny swearing incidents with the cast. Movie-and-everything-else watchers sometimes become writers. It’s for both of these groups of people that Creative Screenwriting magazine provides its free, fascinating, and thoroughly addictive weekly podcast. Want to know what it took to write and produce your favorite movies? It’s here. Curious about how actual, working writers and directors made it into the business? Check it out. Host Goldsmith is sure to ask the pertinent questions, and you’ll certainly learn a lot.

If there were a CH Seal of Approval, we’d give it, but we can’t find our wax.

screenwriting, creative screenwriting, podcast, haiku

Not even Netflix
cares enough for Cavalcade
to hit DVD.

Project 501 has hit a bit of a technical snag this week. It’s nothing big–nothing the public library can’t fix–but the 1933 Best Picture winner, Cavalcade, doesn’t exist on DVD. This has us a bit concerned. What, exactly, does a film–the best film of 1933, apparently–have to do to be denied DVD-hood? It’s squeezed between two potential winners, Grand Hotel and It Happened One Night, both of which have achieved disc status. But Cavalcade? It’s too obscure, or too boring, or something to be converted for the 21st-century audience. It’s a little worrisome.

We’ll keep you posted.

So, Liam Neeson
emancipates the slaves and
wears a high silk hat?

I was going to write about the state of the modern biopic–or biographical picture, as we fuddy-duddies prefer–and how they’re really playgrounds for art and casting directors. I had a whole thesis, points, rebuttals, etc. But I saw a list of upcoming biography films, and couldn’t go on. Seriously. Take a look at this:

-The aforementioned Neeson as Abraham Lincoln (Weird, yes, but the resemblance is actually sort of uncanny, if you squint a bit)
-Anne Hathaway as Jane Austen (not to be all fuddiduddical again, but COME ON)
-Elijah Wood as Iggy Pop
-Some kind of Jeff Buckley movie, currently uncast
-And don’t even get me started on the whole weird J-Lo/Marc Anthony vanity project deal. Ugh.

I can, however, get thoroughly behind Zooey Deschanel as Janis Joplin. Girlfriend can sing. I nod approvingly in her direction.

Maybe I’ll get back to that thesis, with the points and the rebuttals, sometime. For now, I’m just going to go think fond memories of The Queen.

biopics, Liam Neeson, Abraham Lincoln, Zooey Deschanel, Janis Joplin, Anne Hathaway, Jane Austen

Eric Bana to
come and go; also give up
sex-symbol status?

It’s come to our attention here at CH headquarters that Hollywood has seen fit to adapt one of our favorite recent reads to the big screen: Audrey Niffenegger’s The Time Traveler’s Wife, which manages to be massively appealing and impressively well-written, all at once–think beach reading with a brain. There are essentially two characters in The Time Traveler’s Wife–aside from a few tertiary characters, it’s all about Clare Abshire and Henry DeTamble, and pretty much nobody else–so we hope the cosmic They have thought long and hard about the casting for this movie.

We’re not sure they have. Maybe. We don’t know. Clare will be played by Rachel McAdams, who doesn’t have red hair, but we suppose there’s such a thing as hair dye, and it’s not like red hair is a key plot point. Also, we love all things McAdams, and think she’ll make a lovely Clare. But then there’s Henry, who’s been matched up with Eric Bana. We like Bana. We really do. But isn’t he a little….we don’t know, hunky for the role? Isn’t Henry supposed to be a little more like Rob Gordon from High Fidelity? Kind of, well, scrawny and balding? We’re reserving judgment. Bana is, after all, a fine actor and a nice-looking man. He just doesn’t strike us as the Chicago rock-scene type. On the other hand, we’re willing to be convinced.

So, this is weird. IMDB announces a movie called Chad Schmidt, in which an actor named Chad Schmidt comes to Hollywood in the 80s, but can’t get a job–he keeps losing jobs to another actor who looks just like him. That actor? Brad Pitt. Yes. The parts of both Brad Pitt and Chad Schmidt will be played by Hayden Christensen

Kidding.

Brad Pitt follows in
footsteps of John Malkovich
and Life of Brian.

Sandra Bullock and
zombies in an alcohol
treatment camp…again?

So, I know I’m not the only one, because Pam on The Office said the same thing: I thought 28 Days Later was some kind of weird sequel to 28 Days. Like it’s such a crazy assumption. And now they’ve all had relapses and meet back at the treatment center? Maybe Sandra and her hunky baseball guy will finally get it right this time. Those crazy kids.

28 days later, 28 weeks later, sandra bullock, haiku