An Open Letter to Self-Flagellating Heroes Everywhere
To: Spiderman, Harry Potter, and all other heroes with “it can only be me me me” complexes
From: Women
Gentlemen, we know it’s a hard life, being a savior, and all. Great perks; really bad job stability. We know that your greatest gifts are also your biggest curses. Trust us; we know. With great power comes great responsibizzzzzzzzz.
So will you stop breaking up with us, already? You say you have enemies; don’t we all? Granted, our enemies are unlikely to lie, cheat, steal, kidnap, and murder, but…we’re not immune to the snotty girl at work, if you know what we mean. You say it’s going to be hard, and you really can’t have us around to complicate things. Well, thanks for that. Glad to see we mean so much to you that you simply CANNOT have us around. It’s been nice knowing you, you know? And thank you SO much for the respect you show us by allowing us to make our own decisions. That’s really, really nice.
So get over yourselves, and make sure to be home by dinnertime, okay?
Thanks.
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